I had shoes full of holes
When you first took me in
The path that you led
Was straight to your bed
It’s one of those nights, isn’t it?
Do you feel the whole world is just collapsing over onto you? Do you feel as a chased animal in the corner of the room?
Overplanning much, eh? Or having those tension raids that come without obvious reason?
This tension just does not get off, does it?
Those thoughts will drill your mind, no matter what you do or what you say. And by god, you have tried to do and say a lot!
Why would not it go away, why would not it leave you alone? This agonising pain is too much to bear.
You will make a loop out of your belt ant tie it up to a lamp above, you will have a seisure, you will self-harm.
And words will not help. You are down the well.
But I still want to shout to you, down the well that you are in. The walls may amplify my voice and you might not understand any of it, but it’s enough you hear the sound. From down there it’s enough you see my dim little shadow on the sunlit stone edge.
I know you need to validate your existence, and excuse yourself for living.
And no words are capable to alleviate that feeling. Because that’s you core belief. You are a stoicist. For you, in the vacuum of space, human life does not have any inner value. For you, respect comes through overcoming and achievement. Through humanising against all odds.
But let me say something to you from the emotional height I am at this moment, writing these lines, explaining the world to myself. I am composed now, I am the normal one. You are the one down the well.
Oh my old feet
They know this hard street
Stay like old friends
You’re flat on the ground
There’s no further down
Do you remember how often you choose to stay up all night to do work that you think will advance other people? Do you remember you never broke your promise? You always have time for others.
Do you remember you call your grandma twice a week? Do you know anyone who does the same?
Do you remember at least five people think you are their closest friend?
Do you remember that other time when you gave a half of your annual earnings because a friend needed an investment that would keep him in the country?
Remember that time, when you really-really liked a girl who ignored you? You tried a lot but still to no avail?
Do you remember how you solved that tension?
One night when you were upset again she does not notice you and you have sent her flowers anonymously. And after you did, you forgot she existed as a female. She became just a person.
Do you remember you never, never resent anyone? Not blame anyone for ignoring what you have to say and feelings you have to give?
Do you remember knowing what people feel even though they have not said a word about it? Do you remember staying friends with people who always get into conflicts with anyone else?
Do you remember you give blood as often as you physically can?
Do you remember how you never take pride in any of this? How you think it’s a standard human behaviour?
And I know you’re hurting
And I can’t be there for you
I know you’re hurting
And I can’t be there no more
But I know all these are just words for you now. You are perplexed and anyway you will not listen.
Just live this night in.
This night in only.
You’ve been down that well. The sun will come on at noon tomorrow and light up the stairs you’ve already climbed before.
Why did you climb them? Why do you live? Because you want to experience the spiritual high I am having now. When it comes, it’s better than anything. Those poor people, they only have love or lust. But you have this enormous sensibility, a tool to make things better.
This tool comes at a price.
In fact, you are paying an instalment right now.
And tonight is going to be rough. You will beat the shit out of yourself. You will agonise alone. There is no question of you deserving it or not. You do not believe in a word “deserve”, do you? There is only strife for survival and rigor. Because that’s how you are, you do not want to involve others in your shit, you do not want to whine. You shall not whine.
So this is my letter to you. I know not the address. I know not the time to send it. But I know you will get it, you will get it eventually.
Because you are me.
So go turn those sheets
Get back on the street
There’s nothing more I can bring to you
Think I’m scared of the door
Afraid of the floor?
Well, I’ll go and walk right through
And I’ll show you
Who I’ve been running from
It’s the feeling of waking
And it’s gone